Talking to your parents about their will is one of those conversations that no one really ever wants to have. But it’s important that we do.
Let’s face it – death and money aren’t exactly the most popular topics for casual dinner chats. But if you don’t tackle it now, you risk running into serious misunderstandings, emotional meltdowns and financial headaches down the track. It’s a conversation that matters. So, the sooner you start it, the better prepared everyone will be.
How, then, should you bring up the subject without sounding like you’re counting down the days to an inheritance? Here’s how to broach the topic with tact and practicality.
Oh and if you’re a Baby Boomer like me and have the view, “It’s my money and has nothing to do with anyone else” … think again. Yes, it’s your money. But estate planning needs to be an open conversation that doesn’t create family disharmony when it is implemented. That’s the last thing you should want.
If your adult kids open the conversation, don’t shut it down. Be open and confident.
These tips will help to keep the peace.
Timing is everything
The worst time to bring up a will is during a crisis. If one of your parents is unwell or has just had a health scare, emotions are already running high. Adding money and estate planning into the mix can overload the stress levels and make for poor decisions or even worse communication.
Instead, try to raise the topic during a calm, everyday moment. Maybe for your family that could be over a casual weeknight dinner or while chatting during a holiday visit. The key is to not make it feel like a formal or high-pressure situation.
And don’t wait until it’s too late. As uncomfortable as it might be, earlier is always better. Talking about estate plans when your parents are healthy gives everyone time to think about things and make better decisions.
Don’t make it about money
If you make this conversation about what you’re going to get, I reckon you might come across as someone who cares more about money than you do about your actual family. That’s not a great look, and it’s not going to be helpful for the conversation either.
Instead, frame the discussion around making sure their wishes are honoured and not putting unnecessary stress on the family. “Where do you keep your will?” is a good start. Make sure you also ask questions like:
- Who have you chosen as the executor of your will?
- Have you nominated a power of attorney?
- What are your wishes for long-term care?
- Do you have any specific funeral arrangements or other end-of-life wishes?
Make it clear you’re asking out of concern for their wellbeing and a desire to respect their preferences, rather than a sense of entitlement.
Let them take the lead
One of the biggest mistakes you can make is coming in hot with opinions or judgements. If your parents sense that you’re trying to control the process or influence their decisions, they’ll probably take a very big step back. Remember, their will is ultimately their decision, and they deserve to be in control.
Instead, listen carefully and let them lead the conversation. Show respect for their ideas and decisions, even if they differ from your own. Keeping the focus on their wishes means you’ll be able to foster more trust and open up the space for a more productive dialogue.
It’s worth keeping this conversation as a collaborative effort too. Offer your help for things like organising paperwork or finding professional advice, but don’t overstep any boundaries.
How you can deal with resistance
Let’s face it: some parents simply won’t want to talk about their will. Whether it’s out of fear or a desire to avoid family drama, they might shut down the conversation straight away.
If that happens, you’ll need to think about involving a neutral third party like a financial advisor, lawyer or accountant. It might seem awkward, but a professional can sometimes raise the topic in a way that feels less personal and more pragmatic. As an added bonus, they can give everyone some expert advice on things like tax implications or legal structures.
And if your parents still don’t want to discuss it? Respect their boundaries, but gently revisit the topic after a few weeks or months. Even the smallest steps can lead to progress.
Keep everyone’s expectations in check
Maybe, like me, you reckon there’s a hard truth here: your parents might not leave you as much as you think – or anything at all. According to the latest data, the average inheritance for Australians is just $45,000, which might not make a whole lot of difference to the lives of families who are trying to buy a home or pay off a serious amount of debt.
If you’ve been banking on an inheritance to solve your financial woes, it might be time for a reality check. Assume that you won’t get anything, and if you do, treat it as a pleasant surprise.
Talking to your parents about their will isn’t easy, but it’s something we should all try to do. At the end of the day, it could be a way to get more clarity about the financial outcomes and make the family be a little happier when talking about uncomfortable topics. Just a small amount of planning right now could save everyone a world of stress later on.
So take a deep breath, pick your moment and get the conversation started. It might just be one of the best chats you’ll ever have with your folks.
